An adorable addition to our family Christmas

Christmas is always a very exciting time (albeit stressful) because I get to spend Christmas eve with my cousins, aunt and uncle from my father's side of the family whom I don't get to see very often (mostly just at Christmas)

One great thing about bringing my daughter to the Christmas get together this year is that she is almost 8 months old, so she can now enjoy ALL of her senses. And what enjoyment she had! She squealed with delight at the dinner table, watched all the Christmas lights inquisitively, was fascinated when we walked her down the street (being in the big city is very new and exciting when you live in a small town) and enjoyed yams, mashed potatoes and applesauce. She even enjoyed Dad's frantic driving around trying to find places to park.

The best part of the whole experience this Christmas was watching my daugther bond with the entire family: to watch her cautiously approach her aunt and uncle over and over again, to see her bounce up and down on my one cousin's lap, to see her in the arms of her great grandmother who was thrilled (although her cognitive health is declining she managed to understand that she was meeting her great granddaughter for the very first time.) And to bond further with her grandma.

She also managed to (begin) opening one of several beautiful Christmas presents, and tear the bow off of great grandma's present.

Of course the trip was a great enjoyment for me as well. We stayed at a 5 star hotel with an amazing view (24 stories above ground level) and beautiful architecture.

The weather happens to be beautiful (EXTREMELY warm compared to what I am used to) so tomorrow we hope to do some shopping with the Christmas money I received and enjoy a walk near the beach.

Family memories in the making. And more to come. More hugs. More laughs. More delicious sweet potatoes. 

The holidays...a time of cheer?

The holidays are supposed to be a time of cheer, but with our present day, fast paced, and demanding lifestyles, they can be quite stressful...I know that this is true in my life.

I remember the feelings I had as a kid when it would get close to Christmas, I would be so excited when I saw the first snowfall, I would run around the house singing Christmas carols and build snowmen in our front yard, go sledding down the hills, and help my Mom put up the Christmas decorations (this was one of my most favorite things of all...in fact I cried one time when I got home from school realizing that she had ALREADY decorated the tree!) Then we would all go to the city to visit my Dad's family, spend Christmas eve with my aunt, and then have Christmas dinner at a posh hotel (I realize I was very privileged in this sense.)

Although I will admit that receiving gifts was exciting for me (especially when they were addressed to me from Santa!) The true pleasures I got were from spending time with the family, and enjoying the Christmas holidays. My parents were both very good at keeping their financial and career fueled stresses on the low-down which made for very enjoyable and memorable holidays. I would often make my family gifts at Spark's and Brownies, and be eccstatic when they would open them in front of me! I even enjoyed helping them with the Christmas shopping (since i lived in a small town going to big shopping malls was a big treat!)

Fast forward to adulthood...things changed. All of a sudden I felt sudden big demands...I felt OBLIGATED to get everyone the best Christmas presents possible, and being the procrastinator that I am, I would ALWAYS wait till the last minute, not knowing what to get them, and then the last few days before christmas I would end up purchasing the quickest, most suitable gifts I could find that fit my tight budget. Some people such as my father, are difficult to shop for because they live a relatively minimalist lifestyle, only hanging on to things that they NEED, and always going for high quality. Other people, such as grandma, were happy with chocolates and a home-made Christmas card, then there came the matter of friends, classmates, the Dog, the garbage man, paperboy, teachers, etc. etc.


Often I felt that the best way of showing my love (or appreciation) to someone was to buy them a gift...I still feel that way. But I now know deep down that this isn't always true. You can't buy love or friendship? and money isn't always the best way to show your appreciation.

The financial stress combined with exams, etc. became so overwhelming, I ended up not enjoying the holiday seasons at all. I would have an grandiose, unrealistic thoughts about what the holidays SHOULD look like, and they never lived up to my expectations...the PERFECT turkey dinner (with homemade stuffing!) Lots of Christmas baking (high quality of course), A perfectly decorated classy, not too flashy Christmas tree, Christmas lights on the roof, Christmas decorations all around the house, presents wrapped to perfection and adorned with bows, Christmas music that wasn't terrible to listen to...the list goes on and on. Sometimes (this year included) I stressed myself out to the point of tears.

One example of a stressful Christmas was last years Christmas. My step mom, father and I went to stay at my Step mom's sister's home in Langley, which was an adjustment for me as it was the first Christmas I spent with both her and my father, and I had been debating whether or not I actually wanted to go!

To make matters worse I had just found out I was pregnant. I decided I would not tell my Dad till after Christmas, to make the holidays relaxed (knowing that he would already be stressed out). Unfortunately hiding my pregnancy from my father was not possible as I was starting to get a "baby bump" became withdrawn, and refused the wine served at my aunt's on Christmas eve.

Things became very awkward, and I knew that my Dad and Sharon would probably be suspicious, especially when I refused to take my jacket off (although I complained that I was too hot).

Then, on Christmas day my Dad told me to meet him upstairs alone...I knew what he was going to ask me, when I told him that I was 5 months along he was almost in tears. The next day the 5 hour trip home was completely silent. Sharon refused to eat, my Dad had a blank look on his face...I should have been happy but I was terrified.

Fast forward a year later and I have a happy, healthy, 8 month old little girl who is the light in my life. Unfortunately I JUST realized that in the midst of all the holiday stress I am not enjoying my time with her as much as I should be. (Our children are only babies once, and time goes by REALLY quickly) I left her crying (in her crib) a few times as I wrapped gifts, freaked out when I ran out of bows, and stressed myself out (as I always do when packing) trying to make sure that everything was packed (I know I will forget something I always do...)

Then I realized..."perfection" is not what Christmas is about!

Yes I ran out of bows, Yes I ended up using a stove stop stuffing mix, yes I ended up NOT putting up at tree...or Christmas lights...or getting my teachers/the mail lady/the neighbor a christmas gift...yes I overindulged in sugar one too many times when I got stressed out. No I didn't find the perfect pair of shoes to wear with my Christmas outfit, No I didn't get my first choice of gift for Dad...the list goes on...but I have a loving family and an amazing friends who I have managed to spend time with as well as an amazing daughter, and I will be spending the next few days with an adoring family. I WILL have a great holiday season this year, it WON'T be like the Christmases portrayed in the movies, but it will be a darn good one, because I am no longer expecting it to be perfect.

Whether or not to sever family ties

Sometimes, no matter how much you love a person you realize that they are no longer good for you and that it is in your best interest (and perhaps there's) to sever ties, even though it hurts.

This became true with one of my aunts from my Mom's side of the family. I love her, and know that she loves me but could no longer tolerate the stress and chaos she brought to my family.

For one thing, she loved to gossip, and would often tell me secrets about the other members of my family when I was very young, unfortunately being a naive teenager I took her stories seriously only later to find out how far from the truth they actually were. Some were silly, and other's were downright derogatory and actually a form of slander. I don't know what my aunt's intentions were but it caused me nothing but stress and frustration.

Later on when I was pregnant she told me stories about my father and Mother's relationship, some involving me, that were fabricated, such as that my Mom had left her and my father's house in the will. I kindly told her that I thought she was mistaken (with some of the information she gave me), but she insisted that all the stories were true.

I believed the stories about my father to be true and felt anger towards him, all based on lies. When I confronted my father about some of the stories, he was hurt and angry. The scary part was, my aunt was such a malicious liar, she actually believed her own forgery.

Not only was she a manipulative liar, but she also created further chaos by emailing my father (during the last few weeks of my pregnancy) ordering him to give me money, and telling me that there was no way that I could support a baby on my low income, (which couldn't have been further from the truth)

She was bossy, manipulative, and gave me bizarre advice when it came to such things as parenting, nutrition, discipline, naming my child etc. She even went as far as telling me that I should give my child up for adoption, when I told her I would be depressed she told me that I would be happy knowing my child was in good hands. WHAT GAVE HER THE RIGHT TO tell me how I would feel when she has hardly been part of my life at all?!

My aunt is the type of person who does not take a second to breathe, for some reason I felt obligated to listen to her rather than hang up which I should have done.

When I first tried to part ways with my aunt she contacted all our mutual friends from the town I live trying to track me down. Honestly...I felt like i was being stalked.

Finally after not returning any of her calls I haven't heard from her since this Summer, and although it hurts I have hopefully severed ties with her. Unfortunately losing contact with my aunts means that I won't be able to contact my cousins whom I wanted to keep in touch with, but it is for the better. I am much more calm, relaxed and happy now that she is no longer part of my life.

She is family, and I love her, but she is also no good for me. Maybe if she changes her ways in the future (which I doubt will ever happen) we can try again at our relationship, but right now I honestly don't want anything to do with the woman.

She created chaos between my father and I, my step-mom, my other aunt's and uncles, and almost created friction between my friends and I!

I realize that I must let go of the anger I feel towards my aunt, but at the same time I have chosen NOT to contact her, and if I must go to the extent of getting a restraining order, I just might have to.

I hope that someday my aunt realizes the hurt she has brought upon her family and repents, but until then I am much happier now that I am no longer speaking to her, and would prefer she not be part of my daughter's life.

Processed food...OK once in a while, part of a healthy diet or harmful?

When I moved out from my parent's home at the age of 19 I was on my own, in an apartment. In some ways, when I look back at the experience I had, full of irresponsibility when it came to things like budgeting, paying bills, and cleaning, I wish I had learned some more basic life-skills and been able to manage my money more wisely (my motto when I was a teenager was to spend as quickly as I could) but at the same time, there were a lot of stresses I DIDN'T have to deal with living on my own.

 One area that stresses me out when living with a room mate is the kitchen. I am very particular about what I eat, There is a saying that what you don't know won't hurt you. This is so not true. Our body is constantly bombarded with chemicals and free radicals and whatever else you would call them. The damage happens whether we are aware of the science of nutrition or not. Whether we are busy or have an open schedule. Whether we are low budget or rich. Whether mom taught us well or we fended for ourselves. Whether we savour our food or subconsciously shovel it in. 

We live in a marketing society. We are surrounded with products that companies make in order to bring in a profit. They may advertise safety or health or taste. But the main goal is to have an income from sales. To get you with the packaging. They will tailor their product to whatever will result in the highest income for them. Carefully worded claims. Following current trends. Adding chemical additives for taste. Using genetically modified seed. Employing harvesting processes that don't favour keeping the natural goodness. Failing to share the whole picture. 

When we make purchases we all have different motivating factors. But sometimes we simply just want something to eat. How do we choose what we will consume? With cancer and heart disease very prevalent in my family one goal I have for my daughter is teaching her healthy living. I have tried to make things home made and limited the processed products (though I don't know if I'll even learn to make bread). But I am not the only one in her life. 

Here comes the battle. Like many of you, many of my friends see nothing wrong with processed foods. Everyone eats it and the commercials say it is good. They love it, and eat it every day. And they share it with me. She doesn't really give him a choice. In any given day I consume many things that, before I had children, I never would have allowed. I'm not big on crackers that have no nutritional value. Jam that is loaded with sugar when I could just eat fruit. Extra sauces and dressings that aren't necessary. I'd like to season with spices and natural flavours. 

They say to pick your battles. I try to remember this even though her future health is at stake. Once in a while I appreciate friend's differences. If I hadn't had to give in to someone else's way of doing things, my way would have remained very closed minded. As a result, I probably would have fed the fear that I was not teaching her well enough or nourishing her properly. I think if given that option I would have had a lot of stress seeking perfection in her diet. (And there's another negative habit for the body's complex systems. Worry.)

But I have had to let go. I feel guilty saying that. Like someone health conscious is going to read this and judge me for going against what I know is right. But life is full of compromise. And trust. (So thankful I believe I can cover her with prayer too.) And learning and growing.

Many of my friends enjoy Goldfish crackers and Cheerios.

My daughter always wants what is on my plate. So I try to keep my plate healthy (though she still doesn' eat finger foods yet). And I would love to get my friend's plate healthy as well. But changing the diet is very difficult. For anyone (pass the chocolate, please). There are the comforting, remind you of home foods. There are the easy, make in a pinch options. There are the wallet friendly budget purchases. And there is habit, habit, habit. I truly think everything right in front of us is against us. But what matters is the long term effects. The feeling good after consistent whole and fresh choices. The lasting health ramifications way into our later years. And that is harder to live for because we can't see it. 

Everyone is born with a different chance of each cancer, each ailment. We don't know if we will get something sooner, later, or never. Our actions may not  prevent those ailments. But they will definitely alter the time line. Maybe my mom's ovarian cancer was always going to be, but if she had eaten more veggies and less processed meats, eaten more consistently, never smoked, and exercised more, maybe she would have lived longer. I couldn't foresee that I would have cognitive dysfunction. But I never lived in a way to prevent it. Because I lived for the now. My body needs me to live for its future. If I had taken care of myself and still got sick I would have had the opportunity to pronounce that healthy is pointless. . 

It takes will power. It takes research. It takes budgeting. It takes prioritizing. It takes retraining the taste buds to need less salt and sugar. But it can be done. Healthier eating doesn't mean eating what you hate. You don't need to have oatmeal for breakfast of you don't like oatmeal. But there must be a satisfying healthy option that you can decide to eat. You don't need to consume salmon if it makes you gag. But what other ways can you get some healthy oils? You don't have to eat Brussels sprouts if you can't get them down. But you do need a variety of vegetables. 

Variety is the best arsenal against the confusion over optimal diet. Sure, a cracker here or there. But then a piece of fruit. A vegetable. A nut. Some cheese. All things in moderation. (I know, I know-- no more making cookies and eating them all. I need willpower.) We can't know everything about diet, especially with propaganda and scientific research constantly being "updated". But instead of pulling the its-all-harmful card or the healthy-people-get-sick card and not caring, we can fuel ourselves with a mishmash of different foods, slowly make positive changes, and accept when we know something is wrong. My daughter doesn't need aspartame, hot dogs, high fructose corn syrup, pop, white bread, margarine loads of table salt, dollar store snacks.Those are the things that I will stay away from. 

And there are other things we will keep to small amounts. Like cereal. Cheerios, Grandpa?

Many milestones 2014

My Daughter has turned six months, and has accomplished with this event are several milestones which I am all very excited to share with you. Each day I see her become more and more lifelike, developing character traits from myself, her father, my room mate and other people whom she interacts with. She is curious and full of buoyancy, always accompanied with a big ear to ear grin. One time I was picking out clothes for her in a store and she picked a beautiful dress right off the rack, and held on to it as though she knew what she wanted to wear (and it happened to be just the right size as well HA!)

She enjoys watching Nanalan and Dr.Seuss, I have tried introducing her to some other children's shows but those two are her favorite! I have started giving her solids, and she is eating a little bit (reluctantly I must say). The food she likes the most (or should I say hates the least) is avocado. She likes listening to 80s rock music with me (even more so then toddler music HA!) and going for walks. She especially likes little performances I put on for her, like when I practice my martial arts or dance for her. Sometimes she watches me do yoga or exercise videos and squeals with delight!

Although my daughter has yet to start crawling I noticed she was in a different area of her playmat then where I had placed her the other day, and then caught her very slowly dragging herself along the floor with her hands, how exciting! She sees me eat and then tries to feed herself, not to much prevail!

I can't believe that she is already halfway through her "infancy!" It seems that just yesterday I was holding an adorable, delicate, bundle of joy with beautiful tanned skin and lots of black hair (she still has black hair but not lots) who would wake me up every 2 hours to feed her, and have a 3 hour long fuss fest every evening at midnight on the dot.

Now she squeals at the dog, dances along to music, and has "heated conversations" with me when she is not happy with something I have done (usually consisting of NINNY NINNY NANA!! DADA!) Assures me when she is happy with something I've done (with a giggle, smile, or squeal) and laughs at my silly faces. I have even heard her try to say "I love you." She is interested in my day to day tasks like cooking, cleaning, sending emails, etc.

She has also entered the "put everything in your mouth" stage which is a little bit worrisome, so I will have to get better at picking up after myself (and after her and the dog)

I am very excited for the months (and years) ahead and looking forward to spending a beautiful Christmas with my daughter, her grandpa, and step-grandma. (Grandpa got her a gorgeous Christmas dress, and grandma got her a beautiful pair of shoes, headbands, and an adorable elf like toque) I'm sure she'll be the belle of the ball!

should have, could have, would have

I do it all the time, I have a terrible habit of beating myself up for past mistakes, or situations I believe would have ended better had I done things differently.

I tend to dwell on past mistakes, wondering where I would be today if a different course of action were to take place.

If I had stayed in dance would I be a professional dancer today?

If I had chosen a different career path, would I be in a different situation than I am today?

If I hadn't had that argument with so-and-so (person from the past) would we still be friends to this day?

Would I have a better life now If I had chosen to move when I had the opportunity?

I consistently go over these what would have happen if scenarios in my head, "shoulding on myself" as someone rightfully called it.

It can either be as little as "I should have bought that item when it was on sale last week, I would have more money in my pocket today!" to I even go as far as "what if Mom and Dad had done things differently..." and how that might have impacted me!

One situation I often encounter when I am mind wondering is giving birth. Things worked out so beautifully in the end, but the birth didn't exactly go as planned. I started experiencing "braxton hicks" Sunday morning after church, 6 days after my expected due date. My roommate and I went for lunch at a local restaurant (had amazing fish and chips) and then went into town for the day. We went to both malls where she spoiled me, and I walked around a park, and had a chai latte at starbucks. All the while I would experience a moment or two of cramps, bearable enough to talk through, but enough that I would cringe when I experienced them. A few times I went into the mall bathroom because I felt like I was going to throw up. I also practiced my "downward dog" as it somehow felt better to get the pressure of my groin area. This went on until 8:00 or so when we headed home. By then the pain was getting worse. I had a simple supper: boiled eggs, and toast, and tried to soothe myself with relaxing classical music, a bubble bath, and yoga. By 10:00 or so I was in so much pain I could no longer keep to myself...shouting seemed to ease my pain (or distract me from it) One two three...owwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

At 12:00 midnight I phoned the hospital, unsure of whether or not we should drive in (its about a 30 minute drive) I didn't want to end up having my friend turn around and go back home, only to have to drive in later. I was in so much pain I was whimpering over the phone. The nurse said that if I was in that much pain I may as well head in.

We had perfect timing, the drive was great and we didn't have to stop once for traffic lights. When I got to the hospital I went to the emergency room and remember being very angry when they made me wait while they called the maternity department. I knelt on the floor with my arms on a chair and groaned in pain.

When they got me to the maternity room I was dilated 4 inches! Perfect timing! Unlike the Moms I had seen on TV who were in too much pain to move, I thrashed around, and walked in circles in my room, every time I had a contraction I would squat down and shout in pain. The next thing I did wasn't part of my plan at all, I tried the laughing gas...It did nothing! The nurse then tried an IV which helped a fair bit. I was still in agony, don't get me wrong, but it didn't feel like I was being stabbed between the legs with a butcher's knife (the best way I can describe the pain I had felt previously)

6 hours went by like nothing and I was ordered a breakfast which I took one bite of than spit out. I sent an email to my partner who came rushing over half dressed. I was fully dilated at about 8 or 9 (give or take a few hours I can't remember exactly)

Things progressed nicely at first, but then all of a sudden, my labour stopped progressing. I was offered an epidural, which I regrettably accepted (knowing there was a lot longer before the baby was born), and was bed-ridden and attached to an IV. I didn't feel a thing! I even started drifting off into a sleep!
At 4:00 my epidural slowly started to wear off and I was told I could no longer get IV medication. The nurse checked and told me that I had not progressed at all over the last few hours...At 5:00 I was told by my doc that I needed a C section.

Upon hearing this information I cried...What if something went wrong?!

I was told there was no other way, and that there could be drastic consequences if I didn't go through with the surgery. So my partner and I were rushed to the emergency room. First I was given the numbing solution (whatever you call it) and the nurse went over every area of my body with an ice cube to make sure I was completely frozen. I couldn't even move my head. Next a sheet was put in front of me, at chest level so I couldn't see what was happening...although I was curious I didn't dare watch the procedure...I'd seen lots of surgical procedures done on TV but not on myself!

I felt a tug here and there, and then all of a sudden WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

My baby was born!

I cried for joy, and the doctor came and handed me a beautiful robust, healthy girl with a thick head of black hair and beautiful olive skin.

Do I regret my decision to have the epidural? I do, but in the end it all turned out fine, my daughter is now a healthy, happy 6 month old (and counting) and I look back fondly on the experience I had.

I now realize that the best thing we can do is put past mistakes behind us, and at the same time use them as methods of learning.

 I now know that shouting at someone is not the best way to express my inner frustration,

I now know that it is not helpful to procrastinate

 I now know that asking for help is not a  sign of weakness,

 I now know the importance of perseverance.

I now know the negative impact of jumping into things i am not yet prepared for

and i now regret the decision I made in the past to dwell on present negative circumstances, and relate them to my prior course of action when I should have (no pun intended) instead focused on bettering the here and now.

Happy Halloween

This Halloween my daughter and I got invited to not one but two parties...it was awesome!

The first was through Shuswap Association for Community living, where we had a potluck (and I brought applesauce pumpkin muffins!)

We were able to watch a movie (Paranorman) and have a popcorn for only 3$!

After the movie they handed out prizes for the best costumes and my daughter got chosen for cutest animal, (she was a dalmation) and recieved a 5$ gift card for DQ! (Hmmmm...this is a tough one, I'm not to keen on anyone eating sugar, especially young children) but maybe a fruit smoothie (although not comparable to a home-made one) might be acceptable.

Next my daughter and I attended a "fall festival" provided by our local church where my daughter participated in knocking over bowling pins, throw the toilet paper into the toilet (Who thought up these games?!) and bobbing for donuts! Later on we watched the fireworks and I was very impressed with how my daughter handled the busy day with lots of noise. I feared that she would get overstimulated and start crying but she was calm, and happy go lucky the all through. I have never felt more blessed to be able to bring such an amazing human being into this world. She has brought so much joy to a life that I one time felt was worthless.

Even I splurged and ended up eating hot dogs, a bag of chips, and lots of candy (I paid for it later...candy hangover ugh!)

The choice Im glad I didnt have...

I am not going to discuss, whether or not I am pro life...that is completely besides the point, and is a personal opinion I am not going to get into. But I definitely regret the choice that I MIGHT have made in 2013 had I found out sooner...

2013 was one of the hardest years, I had lost my Mom the year before, and went through months of hell when my childs father relapsed. Emotionally and physically I was drained, I felt hopeless, and at times self destructive.

I started to feel run down and lethargic, and was gaining weight. I had a few signs of pregnancy, but not many. Faiths father and I discussed that I might possibly be pregnant, and agreed on terminating the pregnancy, and moving on with our lives. I was busy with school, and he was not ready to be a father.

I went to the drugstore and purchased a pregnancy test. The results were negative, so I forgot about the whole situation. I wanted to see my doctor however, to find out why I was feeling so physically and mentally unwell.

In December I finally went to the doctor to discuss a possible thyroid condition. No matter how little and how healthy I ate, and how much I exercised, I was gaining weight. I had recently lost 30 pounds, and was starting to gain the weight back rapidly. I had gained fifteen pounds almost overnight! I told the doctor about my symptoms but assured her I wasnt pregnant because the tests were all negative. She said she wanted to feel my stomache just to be sure, and I told her I would not carry on with the pregnancy. I live in a small town so this meant that I would have to take some time out of my busy schedule to go to the nearest city where abortions were performed. She felt my stomache and told me

Youre halfway there...

I suddenly felt my heart racing, and almost colapsed right there on the table. How could I be amost 5 months pregnant, I had barely any tummy at all! I phoned my boyfriend and he was shocked and angry with me for not going to the doctor sooner, I felt panicked, how could I afford to take care of a child when I could barely afford to take care of myself. Also, I had been drinking, taking medication, and been doing lots of things that could effect the baby...I feared for the worst. Perhaps adoption would be another route I could take...over the next few months I thought about it and for some reason felt the urge to keep my baby.

Fast forward almost a year later every night I thank God for making things happen like they had. I have a beautiful, happy, healthy daughter that I love to death, and my life is better than I could have ever imagined. I dont need to worry about providing for her, because everything has fallen into place. I cry sometimes when I imagine what MIGHT have happened, but I know I must let go of the past in order to move on with the future.

pinterest is more than interesting

Pinterest. What a novel idea. It makes it so elementary to share what we admire or treasure or appreciate. The absolute epitome of the access to information in the 21st century. For those who haven't tried it, Pinterest is basically "pinning" things you are "interested" in online onto a board, like a recipe board or a birthday party planning board. 

For many it is a way to dream. Their future wedding or perfect vacation or longed-for home. For some it is a way to procrastinate. To stay up late looking at charming things or prolong the "just a minute" into "oh, my, I really should be doing something else". For others it is a catalyst for getting new, expanded modes of doing things. Maybe because they long to be more of a creative person or more of a perfectionist. The model parent or best wife. Maybe they are looking for ingenious ways to save time or money. Perhaps both. 

After seeing some resourceful ideas shared on Facebook, I decided to give it a boo. Here was an endless selection of user approved pages that were easy to navigate. It led to site after site of children's activities. Motivational quotes. Decorating hints. Healthy lifestyle suggestions. Holiday and party planning. And recipes, recipes, recipes.

I filed away so many new baking and dinner ideas. As well as other pins that gave suggestions on how to modify recipes so that I would appreciate them even more. I now frequently make Slow Cooker Salsa Chicken (modified from another Pinterest post to have nothing canned), Banana Pancakes  and Homemade Taco Seasoning without the chemicals and salt. I have successfully tried Quinoa Mac and Cheese, Breakfast Ham Cups, Peanut Butter and Banana Bites, and Crockpot Beef Stroganoff. I have learned the best way to cut up a watermelonand how to cook an egg in a sliced pepper. The list goes on. In checking out my "Food" board I see so many more food blogs that I endeavour to test. Now I am hungry. But really, when am I not hungry?

Pinterest has been a hugely beneficial agglomeration for this girl who loves to eat healthy and cook a variety of tastes, but isn't the best at following recipes. I need to be able to easily go through many suggestions.

It has also made planning inspiring activities for my girl quite exciting. I have made a sticky spider web out of painter's tape. goop made out of cornstarch, which was strange as it was neither solid nor liquid! We have explored sensory play of all kinds and made umpteen messes with many more to come. And I have enumerable other crafts and adventures to test with my little scientist. Soon her attention span will improve and I will be able to up the level of activities. So many possibilities for play with components we already have in the home.

I would say this sharing of information has made it a stimulating era to grow up in! And an ingenious time to be a mother. I am grateful for my ability to use a computer, as I know that not everyone has the convenience. What a big, fascinating world compared to what was available during my childhood!

Now, to get some sleep or I'll never have the endurance or patience to follow through with more Pinterest discoveries. 

SADs hurts.

This is the time of year when my SAD starts kicking in. Its when I have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning (or getting up at all for that matter) and when I feel less motivated to do anything except for eat and use the computer.

I have suffered from SAD as long as I can remember, each time Spring arrives I feel motivated, excited and full of energy, then when the days start getting shorter, I feel depressed, and hopeless.

This year is no exception. I didnt think the Winter blues would hit but they have. I am doing my best to keep my sanity though, of course caring for a baby helps keep me happy, especially when she is so giggly and happy all the time. But even with Faith, I am feeling down. Getting out of the house is especially important during these times, as is physical activity and socializing (I tend to isolate myself during the Winter.)

I tend to be a little happier once Christmas arrives, and everything is more bright and cheerful, and the snow helps as it tends to reflect the sunlight (and make it difficult to go anywhere if you live where I do.) but October and November, and January tend to be difficult months for me.

I will take each day as it comes, and try my best not to let my depression get the best of me. I have a beautiful being to take care of, and keep me on my toes, as well as some good friends and family to depend on, and activities including Martial arts to keep me going. I know this Winter wont be as difficult as the last one and I am trying to keep cheerful despite feeling blah.

I will show you

I Will Show You

I will love the days that sprinkle down with rain.
Are powerfully blustery.
Blare with warm sunlight.
Chill right down to the bone.
Present new growth.
Become laden with thick fog.
I will love the days as they are presented to me because I cannot change them.
I will show you I love living so you can learn to love life.

I will love my family when they bring me laughter.
Frustrate me with broken promises.
Fill me with glowing pride.
Anger me with annoying habits.
Create cherished memories.
Confuse with their deep insecurities.
I will love my family because they will always be connected to me.
I will show you I love family so you can learn to love family.

I will love myself when I feel confident.
Become slightly overwhelmed.
Appreciate my strengths.
Know I need to step up.
Am aware I have adequate support.
Hate how I look.
I will love myself because I will always have to deal with myself.
I will show you I love myself so you can learn to love yourself.

I will work hard when I enjoy what I am doing.
Feel too tired to press on.
Receive instant gratification.
Long for appreciation.
Know I am doing well.
Remain underpaid.
I will work hard because I am working for God and not man.
I will show you how to work hard so that you can learn to work hard.

I will eat well when I keep very busy.
Fell too lazy.
Require replenishing nourishment.
Have overpowering cravings.
Hang with friends.
Need to soothe myself.
I will eat well because what I consume nourishes my body.
I will show you how to eat well so that you can learn to eat well.

I will be patient when everything falls into place.
I am going to be late.
Things unexpectedly happen.
I feel exhausted.
Distractions are overwhelming.
Misunderstandings occur.
I will be patient because my impatience will only hinder relationships and productivity.
I will show you how to be patient so that you can learn to be patient.

I will listen to my body when it appreciates my activities.
Warns me it needs to be strengthened.
Enjoys an undertaking.
Requires extra attention.
Hints to me something isn't right.
I will listen to my body because it is the only one I have.
I will show you how I listen to my body so you can learn to listen to your body.

I will spend my money wisely when I come up with a little extra.
Have a pressing need.
Want to carelessly splurge.
Don't desire to care.
Have the opportunity to be generous.
Must pay for repairs.
I will spend my money wisely because I want to plant seeds that will grow and prosper.
I will show you how to spend wisely so you can learn to spend wisely.

I will pray when I appreciate my countless blessings.
Feel defeated.
Think of others around me.
Need a fresh breakthrough.
Admire creation with awestruck wonder.
Run short on direction.
I will pray because I need to be in touch with the spirit.
I will show you how I pray so that you can learn to pray.

I will forgive myself when I don't appreciate my day.
Fail to show love to my family.
Choose not to love myself.
Decide not to work hard.
Regret not eating well.
Lack patience.
Don't listen to my body.
Flounder at spending wisely.
Forget to pray.
I will forgive myself because I am human.
I will show you how I can forgive so that you will know the freedom of forgiveness. 

need sleep

Ever have one of those days where you cant rest, yet you are so tired that you struggle to do the most basic of day to day tasks such as making yourself a meal, putting away the groceries, making the bed (not that I ever do that) etc.

Today is one of those days for me...Im not sure if it was thanks to the large MacDonald coffee or the A and W bacon and eggs I regrettably ate this morning or if its directly related to my frequent internet browsing sessions at night (after my 5 month old daughter has gone to sleep). Either way I am too tired to even think properly.

This morning I was a bundle of energy, running around doing errans, and then all of a sudden I had an extreme drop in energy, right now my daughter is begging me to take her for a walk and I dont know if I will do it or not, although it would certainly make me feel better.

Today is the type of day where in the past I would have ordered a pizza or other unhealthy meal of choice (the more tired I am the more junk I crave) followed by a packaged treat, which I would then eat in my bed, falling asleep face first in the food before I could even finish...That is simply not an option now, not with a little bundle of energy sleeping right next to me, and the fact that I cannot afford take out at this very moment (technically I could, but spending money on a crappy pizza is NOT money well spent)

I have always struggled with sleep, often resorting to supplements to help me get through the night, and in the past, sleeping pills (which caused me to be so drowsy I would sleep in till the afternoon, and be tired the entire rest of the day) Now I resort to more holistic methods, such as a cup of chamomile tea, lavender essential oils, a warm bath and yoga...sometimes it helps sometimes it doesnt.

Now I am heading to the kitchen to get myself some energy...

We were given the gift of a beautiful body...we should therefore nourish it.

A lot of people take their bodies for granted, I know I sure did when I was younger. A body is useful for many things, and like other assets we may have, in order for it to function properly it must be nourished. Exercise, rest, and diet are all areas that many of us should focus on improving.

Let me start by discussing my childhood. I grew up during one of the worst possible generation's as far as nutrition was concerned...the 90s! When I look back at videos regarding healthy diet 20 or 30 years ago I am shocked and horrified...why were people so naiive?

In the 90s...it didn't matter what you ate, as long as it contained little to no fat. Instead of a healthy snack consisting of nuts, pretzels and "fat free" nachos were preferred, I was given (by well meaning parents) a jam sandwich for school because nut butters we were told, were not to be consumed as the fat would make us fat, as well as sugary, "low fat" granola bars. Instead of a healthy breakfast consisting of something like eggs, I downed bowl fowls of nutrient empty cereals (a favorite being the fat free corn flakes) thinking that it was the key to staying thin. In the 90's I was told to avoid real cheese but eat as many salt ridden soda crackers and processed cheese slices as I could stuff in my face, as well as turkey luncheon meats, because they were "low fat." Fat free chocolate pudding instead of pure cacao, salad dressings full of chemicals and sugar, a fat free version of an alien like substance called "margarine" on a bagel in the morning, but please pass on the olive oil...and coconut oil...heaven's no! Instead, try Splenda and Sugar twin in your cream-free coffee combined with fat free oreos and fat free sugar ridden "frozen yogurt" School lunches consisting of fat free pizza pops, pretzels, crackers...where was the protein?!

Healthy items such as yogurt were made unhealthy by removing fat which was then replaced with a long list of unknown ingredients. Gummy bears were good, almonds were bad...I could go on forever about this strange phenomena!

Not only was the 90's about being low fat, but it was also a time of convenience. For some reason very few people (including my hard working Mom) wanted to take the time to cook a full meal, therefore I often lived off of items such as lean cuisine, sidekicks, hungry man (low fat of course) dinners, and lots and lots of salty, canned soups filled with MSG.

Even though I was young, I constantly felt horrible, my poor diet took an extreme toll on my health. I was anemic, lethargic, had problems with my behaviour, and was unable to function properly to do school work. Of course no one was able to put two and two together, because what I was doing was considered "good," or "normal"

Years later I realize how much better I may have felt if I actually took the time to eat healthy...perhaps some almond butter on an apple, some greek or coconut milk yogurt, some home-made granola, some avacado...

But I didn't understand the concept behind "healthy" I only understood "skinny." Eating healthy was all about weight.

One thing I am insistant on teaching my daughter about is a healthy lifestyle, (including avacado and olive oil) I want to teach her that it isn't about her appearance but about nurturing her body and mind, our bodies, like other posessions, need to be taken care of in order to function properly.

After my Mom passed away at the age of 58 to cancer, I vowed to change my lifestyle in order to help lessen my chances of experiencing the same fate, and to live a long healthy life so I can be there to watch my beautiful daughter grow up.

My change in eating habits have helped me in so many ways, not only do I look better physically, but I feel 100X better, I have energy, I can focus on tasks more easily, my depression has gotten better and I am not getting sick as often as I once did.

Healthy eating does not mean consuming what you don't like...If you don't like fish try to get your healthy oils elsewhere, like from flax, chia or help seeds, if you don't like brussel sprouts try to find some veggies that you do like...All it takes is some prioritizing, and it can be done. I once dreaded cooking, now I love it. Search the internet, try some healthy recipes incorporating the foods you do like. Then using the same recipe, make it again, but switch things up a little. Honestly my home cooked healthy meals I much prefer over the restaurant food I so often spent way too much money on. My quality of life is much better now that I am taking care of my body, and I think everyone would notice the change if they started eating better themselves. There is nothing wrong with Macaroni and cheese now and then, but try making your own consisting of healthier pasta and real cheese, muffins can be made healthy, but try making your own using healthy ingredients rather than buying them from the store.

Now if only I could convince my Dad to pass on the margarine...

As the storm surpasses...and things get lost

I feel that becoming a Mom has not only brought joy to my life but a new perspective. Before giving birth I had persistent adverse beliefs about life in general, I over-reacted to unfortunate events and often wallowed in my misery for much too long.
An example of this is when I would lose items. I have always been told that I would lose my head if it weren't attached, and quite frankly I agree. I always tended to leave behind items everywhere I went, some of which cost me a lot of money, such as scarves, sunglasses, jewelry and hats. I had my blackberry stolen, my laptop broken, and a diamond earring somehow fell out of my ear somewhere and I didn't even notice until a friend pointed it out.

Growing up an only child, my materialistic belongings meant a lot to me, my teddy bears and dolls became my "friends," and this continued into my teen hood when I would have frequent meltdowns over my expensive clothes that got chewed up by the dog, or my limited edition teen magazines that got left somewhere.

Unfortunately when disaster (or so I thought) struck my father was far from helpful, he would try to be helpful by giving me a "should have..." lecture that upset me even more because I will never be able to change what has happened in the past.

I was reminded of these frequent occurrences when I went into town with my daughter the other day. I stopped at the local thrift store to try on clothes, and somehow forgot my sweatshirt in the change room. Not just any sweatshirt, but a Lululemon sweat shirt I had saved up my hard earned cash a few years ago to purchase.

By the time I realized I had lost my sweatshirt and phoned the thrift store, someone had already purchased it. I was sad for a few minutes, but quickly turned the negative situation into a positive one.

I though about how I would feel if I had discovered a one hundred dollar sweatshirt in a thrift store being sold for only a few dollars, I would be ecstatic! That sweatshirt that I left behind probably made a fortunate person very happy, not only that, but I have a couple more hoodies that are newer than that one, that I like even better. I don't need tons of nice cloths, a hoodie or two is plenty, what's the point in having a huge collection of expensive clothes just to be ruined when my baby burps or spits up.

Not only that, but I now realize these things that I have lost in my life, no matter what the price, are simply things. Inanimate objects cannot and should not bring fulfillment to one's life, and should not be what the person centers their life around. When we die, we cannot bring our items with us, and when it comes to more important aspects of life such as love, hope, joy and happiness, the importance of our assets nonetheless fails.

Don't get me wrong, I have items that are precious to me such as the jewelry that I inherited from my Mom when she passed on, or the items I get a lot of use out of, such as the laptop I am typing on. What would happen if these things somehow got stolen, lost or broken?

I would be upset, there's no doubt about it, but I would move on. Without any of my materialistic objects in mention I have LOTS: I have a safe environment to live in and if that is no longer available to me I have friends that I can count on to help me out, I have people who care about me so deeply who reached out to me at the lowest points in my life, I have wonderful memories of my childhood such as the time I spent with my Mom before she passed away, or my first job that I hope to pass down to my dear precious daughter at some point. I have a wonderful father who cares about me deeply and is very supportive of my decision to raise my daughter even though her father is unable to be with us at this time. And last but not least, I have the most amazing gift of all, an adorable, smiling, cuddly bundle of joy, my daughter.

autism...what does this mean to you?

Autism, although it is becoming much more popular among children, still remains a relatively loose defined term. If you ask two people "what is autism" you will likely get two totally different answers.

When some people think of autism they think of  the character Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory who obviously has what was once called Aspergers syndrome, but has been recently changed to "autism spectrum disorder," or "high functioning autistic" for whatever reason, (causing even more confusion to the public). 

"Aspergers," or "high functioning autism," It is characterized by signitican difficulties in social interaction and non verbal communication, alongstide restricted and repetitive patterns of behaviour and interests. It differs from other autism spectrum disorders by its relative preservation to linguistic and cognitive development, in order for someone to be labelled as having "high functioning autism spectrum disorder," or "aspergers," they must have an average or above average level of intelligence (not that I believe in labelling one's intelligence based on some ignorant tests)

So therefore, the boy you might see rocking back and forth in the back of the classroom or banging his head repeatedly on the wall might have autism, but he would not be labelled as having "aspergers,"

The other thing that makes "autism" a confusing term, is the fact that although there are common characteristics no 2 people are alike. Some people with this diagnosis might be similar to Sheldon from TBBT in atypical repetitive interests in Science, and little understanding of social norms, but not all people are like him. Take Temple Grandin, for example, she was very interested in how livestock are treated in the meat industry. Other famous people thought to have asperger's are Einstein and, Michael Jackson...see similarities between these people? Besides being socially awkward, Neither do I 

So when I was diagnosed, at the age of 13 I was confused, but now that I look back on that event I see that it makes a lot of sense. As a child, I had little interest in socializing with other children, and often preferred to be by myself or with my Mom or Dad. I had the odd friend here and there, but it never seemed to last very long. 

My parents weren't social people, so perhaps my diagnosis may have been in part due to the environment I grew up in. We NEVER had guests over for dinner, My Mom had one or two "friends" whom she visited a few times a month and my Dad's friends were based on his interests, (flying, fly fishing, carving, ukelele, whatever is in the moment) he even admits he would not be friends with these people had they not had the common pursuit.

What does "aspergers" mean for me?

Personally, my interests changed from time to time but when I am interested in one thing I want little to do with anything else.

I still feel akward socially, I'm not completely socially inept but its not something that comes to me naturally, sometimes I will do or say something that people might find odd.

When I tell people I have asperger's often they are surprised "but you don't seem handicapped..." 

Aspergers has nothing to do with intelligence, and everything to do with how someone acts in social situations. 

I personally believe, no matter what you are diagnosed with you can become better each day. My social skills, (after a few years of college, and some integration in the community) are getting better, and will continue to get better if I work on improving them. 

My wish is that people wouldn't be so quick to judge someone who is labelled as having "aspergers" 

I am a Mom, I got honors in College in 2012, I do my own cooking (I LOVE COOKING) and cleaning, and take care of my daughter. My diagnosis does not define who I and your diagnosis (if you have one) should not define who you are. 

Healthy eating...such an important role in our overall well being.

As I have gotten older, I have come to realize the vital role that a healthy diet plays in everyone's lives. It isn't just to do with how we look on the outside, but how we eat is also a major factor in how we feel on the inside, and how we function in our day to day tasks.

As a teenager, food had one purpose, filling me up. It didn't help that I was raised in the 90's when we were bombarded with low-fat processed, chemical ridden microwavable junk somehow promoted as being healthy just because it was low in calories. I will admit I bought into the craze and ended up living off of lean cuisine, and "fat free" processed food such as deli meats and potato chips. I felt like crap most of the time, and when I felt low in energy, I used poor food choices to get my energy up again, only to have it drop again in a short period of time,

you get my drift?

Only once my Mom died of cancer did I realize how vital it is that I take care of myself. I have vowed to live the healthiest lifestyle possible not only for myself but for my daughter, (so I can be there for her and teach her good habits) and to other people in my life.

Sure its only a small aspect in our life but it makes a HUGE difference. Since I have cleaned up the way I eat I feel more energetic, more mentally alert, happier, and have better self esteem. The most important aspect I learned about healthy eating is that it doesn't have to taste bad to be healthy. Today I made the most delicious "pad thai salad" using all whole healthy ingredients, and I tell you it was much tastier than any of the pre-packaged crap I used to live on in my youth.

Instead of milk chocolate full of sugar and chemicals, try health food store purchased cocoa

Instead of doritos chips try kale chips

Instead of sweetening food with sugar, sweeten it with a natural sweetener such as Maple syrup, which tastes so much better.

Also, home made deserts made using healthy ingredients taste so much better than the store bought processed deserts with millions of ingredients that I've never even heard of.

My change in eating habits has helped me deal with my disability (I have asperger's syndrome) and also my depression.

Healthy eating is not about looking a certain way, it is not about being skinny or having the perfect body, it is about being the best, most whole and healthy version of yourself as you can be, whatever that may be.

My first blog

I will start by saying I am very new at blogging, so I don't really know what I am doing. I had the intentions of starting a blog for quite some time but found myself procrastinating for whatever reason. I thought I should start soon since this year has been the most exciting for me!


This year I experienced an absolute miracle: I had a baby! If you would have asked me whether or not I would become a Mom in years past I would have been doubtful. I was told I would have a difficult (if not impossible) time having children do to complications I had at birth (I was born 5 months pre-mature) so therefore I planned to adopt at some point in my life.

It all started last fall. I started feeling tired and worn out, and I was always hungry, and no matter how healthy I ate or how often I worked out I seemed to be gaining weight, I figured I had problems with my thyroid so once December hit I went to the doctor...she said "are you sure your not pregnant?" I had taken drugstore pregnancy tests and they had all been false so I was positive that I wasn't. I didn't have any morning sickness, and other than fatigue and weight gain did not have the typical "signs" of pregnancy. I told her it was impossible, but she wanted to be sure, I will never forget what she said next. "honey...your halfway there!" I felt my heart race, I felt like I would pass out on the table...I was shaking, I said "are you serious?" we listened to the heart beat and she then told me I was roughly 41/2 months along! All this time I thought I was sick when in fact I had a baby in me!