I do it all the time, I have a terrible habit of beating myself up for past mistakes, or situations I believe would have ended better had I done things differently.
I tend to dwell on past mistakes, wondering where I would be today if a different course of action were to take place.
If I had stayed in dance would I be a professional dancer today?
If I had chosen a different career path, would I be in a different situation than I am today?
If I hadn't had that argument with so-and-so (person from the past) would we still be friends to this day?
Would I have a better life now If I had chosen to move when I had the opportunity?
I consistently go over these what would have happen if scenarios in my head, "shoulding on myself" as someone rightfully called it.
It can either be as little as "I should have bought that item when it was on sale last week, I would have more money in my pocket today!" to I even go as far as "what if Mom and Dad had done things differently..." and how that might have impacted me!
One situation I often encounter when I am mind wondering is giving birth. Things worked out so beautifully in the end, but the birth didn't exactly go as planned. I started experiencing "braxton hicks" Sunday morning after church, 6 days after my expected due date. My roommate and I went for lunch at a local restaurant (had amazing fish and chips) and then went into town for the day. We went to both malls where she spoiled me, and I walked around a park, and had a chai latte at starbucks. All the while I would experience a moment or two of cramps, bearable enough to talk through, but enough that I would cringe when I experienced them. A few times I went into the mall bathroom because I felt like I was going to throw up. I also practiced my "downward dog" as it somehow felt better to get the pressure of my groin area. This went on until 8:00 or so when we headed home. By then the pain was getting worse. I had a simple supper: boiled eggs, and toast, and tried to soothe myself with relaxing classical music, a bubble bath, and yoga. By 10:00 or so I was in so much pain I could no longer keep to myself...shouting seemed to ease my pain (or distract me from it) One two three...owwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
At 12:00 midnight I phoned the hospital, unsure of whether or not we should drive in (its about a 30 minute drive) I didn't want to end up having my friend turn around and go back home, only to have to drive in later. I was in so much pain I was whimpering over the phone. The nurse said that if I was in that much pain I may as well head in.
We had perfect timing, the drive was great and we didn't have to stop once for traffic lights. When I got to the hospital I went to the emergency room and remember being very angry when they made me wait while they called the maternity department. I knelt on the floor with my arms on a chair and groaned in pain.
When they got me to the maternity room I was dilated 4 inches! Perfect timing! Unlike the Moms I had seen on TV who were in too much pain to move, I thrashed around, and walked in circles in my room, every time I had a contraction I would squat down and shout in pain. The next thing I did wasn't part of my plan at all, I tried the laughing gas...It did nothing! The nurse then tried an IV which helped a fair bit. I was still in agony, don't get me wrong, but it didn't feel like I was being stabbed between the legs with a butcher's knife (the best way I can describe the pain I had felt previously)
6 hours went by like nothing and I was ordered a breakfast which I took one bite of than spit out. I sent an email to my partner who came rushing over half dressed. I was fully dilated at about 8 or 9 (give or take a few hours I can't remember exactly)
Things progressed nicely at first, but then all of a sudden, my labour stopped progressing. I was offered an epidural, which I regrettably accepted (knowing there was a lot longer before the baby was born), and was bed-ridden and attached to an IV. I didn't feel a thing! I even started drifting off into a sleep!
At 4:00 my epidural slowly started to wear off and I was told I could no longer get IV medication. The nurse checked and told me that I had not progressed at all over the last few hours...At 5:00 I was told by my doc that I needed a C section.
Upon hearing this information I cried...What if something went wrong?!
I was told there was no other way, and that there could be drastic consequences if I didn't go through with the surgery. So my partner and I were rushed to the emergency room. First I was given the numbing solution (whatever you call it) and the nurse went over every area of my body with an ice cube to make sure I was completely frozen. I couldn't even move my head. Next a sheet was put in front of me, at chest level so I couldn't see what was happening...although I was curious I didn't dare watch the procedure...I'd seen lots of surgical procedures done on TV but not on myself!
I felt a tug here and there, and then all of a sudden WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
My baby was born!
I cried for joy, and the doctor came and handed me a beautiful robust, healthy girl with a thick head of black hair and beautiful olive skin.
Do I regret my decision to have the epidural? I do, but in the end it all turned out fine, my daughter is now a healthy, happy 6 month old (and counting) and I look back fondly on the experience I had.
I now realize that the best thing we can do is put past mistakes behind us, and at the same time use them as methods of learning.
I now know that shouting at someone is not the best way to express my inner frustration,
I now know that it is not helpful to procrastinate
I now know that asking for help is not a sign of weakness,
I now know the importance of perseverance.
I now know the negative impact of jumping into things i am not yet prepared for
and i now regret the decision I made in the past to dwell on present negative circumstances, and relate them to my prior course of action when I should have (no pun intended) instead focused on bettering the here and now.
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