Keep Your Head Up

Anyone who knows me well (or even just a little) is well aware of the fact that this has NOT been an easy year for me.

It has been an amalgamation of ups and downs, ins and outs, losses of friends, break up and new relationships, and consistent concern as to how these catastrophes effect my daughter (who is now 2 and a half years old!)


After moving out of a family friend's home (who helped me out from when I was pregnant) and onto my own again (This time with a child) things started out pretty smoothly.


I cooked, I cleaned, I was there for my daughter when she needed me, and she in return provided me with a love that can never be replicated in any way.

Unfortunately things took a turn for the worst when the father of my child (who was estranged at the time) relapsed and had another psychotic episode. I had NO choice but to end the relationship with the man I loved without leaving the door open for him to come back. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make, and when I looked into his eyes I couldn't help but cry knowing that I loved him dearly but also knowing that in order for my daughter and I to experience life to its fullest, we had to keep our distance from him.

I felt feelings of anger, resentment, frustration, confusion, sadness, and hopelessness...I thought having a child would help  solve his problems, after all, when he became a father he was given a purpose in life he never had before.

I realize now this was very unrealistic thinking on my part, first of all, He suffers from Paranoid Scizophrenia, among other mental disorders, and he has been on and off drugs for the past 18 years. He wanted to better himself, and he wanted to be a father, but unfortunately he succumbed to illness and addiction insurmountable. Although i felt for him I also realized that his illness is in no way shape or form my fault, and my daughter and I deserve better than to experience the chaos and trauma that comes with being involved with someone who suffers from an illness that can (at times) become scary.

After the father of my child got admitted to the psych ward things began to slowly fall apart in my life (so it seemed)t, I became depressed, and slowly my standards of living (i.e. budgetting, cleaning, healthy eating, etc.) went to hell. The dishes piled up, the laundry was overwhelming, I did not feel like responding to my friends messages on facebook and struggled to take my daughter to our mom's and tots groups without having an emotional break down.

As if this doesn't sound bad enough, one thing led to another. First of all there was a HUGE mouse infestation which was humiliating and made me feel unclean. Second of all, I had difficulties dealing with someone who had feelings towards me which were not reciprocal, third, i had a falling out with the family friend I'd previously been living with.


Then, come Summer, I began dating a new guy and things seemed to go very smoothly at the start (although looking back now, i do agree that i moved a bit fast). What made things difficult at the beginning was the simple fact that my Dad did NOT (and still doesnt as of this day) approve of the relationship. I felt torn, i felt like I had to choose between my father and the Man I fell in love with which felt like an unbeatable task.


Slowly and surely people began to become more involved  in my personal lives, Since I live in an "independent homeshare" MCFD was called with concerns about my parenting and I endured what seemed like harassment for not cleaning my house up to an unattainable standard at the time of my depression. I was told there was going to be a "home inspection" and the place was to look "sterile" for this event to occur. The problem is, the inspection never happened. I was stressed and anxious to the point of tears for 2 weeks leading up to the date and the event was cancelled not once but TWICE! I felt a lot of resentment towards CLBC and Kindale Staff.I wanted people to get off my case!!!

To make my living situation even more uncomfortable I was told that my boyfriend was no longer allowed overnight visits, and was afterwards told he was altogether banned from the house.

When Fall hit, my best friend since childhood moved to Toronto. I never knew how it would feel to suddenly loose that person I could go to in my time of need, that friend who saw me at my ABSOLUTE WORST when I'd Hit ROCK bottom and still loved me. A friend who loved me unconditionally.

To sum up what seems like a hell of a year, I experienced a few nervous break downs and psychotic episodes resulting loss of friends, and no longer being able to visit my boyfriend at his house...


Just the other day, I was thinking about all that has happened over the last year, and kept contemplating "what's next." and "why me" It seems like no matter how hard I try, |I always fail. I look at other people's lives with jelousy, and resentment. It seemed I tried even HARDER then the average person. People who had less education then me were working steady jobs, people who had bigger disabilities then me were able to live on their own, people of low economic class who had little self worth were given an opportunity to parent their children (or expected children) without the involvement of the ministry when I worked hard at leading a wholesome, straight and narrow lifestyle.

My mind kept repeating the cycle "why me..., why me..."

Then one day while watching a Documentary on TV about life in third world countries I realized something. I really DON"T have it that bad. Although I can actively compare myself to other people who seem to have it much easier then myself and have much more, there are also people who have much more difficult lives, and have much less than I do.

I have a beautiful daughter that is the light of my life. Not a day goes by where I'm not overwhelmed with joy when I see the big smile, and bright eyes on her adorable round face.There are many people who are unable to have children no matter how prepared they are.

I have a diploma in Human Service Work. which helps me to see the world in a different light. My ability to achieve good grades through strength and determination helped me see myself in a different light. after years of being told that I was incapable.. I truly believe a person can do anything they put there mind to.. Hopefully, one day, perhaps when I am older, I will go back to school and work on getting some more education.

But for now I realize that I need to focus on the good in my life, as opposed to the negative..

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