Keep Your Head Up

Anyone who knows me well (or even just a little) is well aware of the fact that this has NOT been an easy year for me.

It has been an amalgamation of ups and downs, ins and outs, losses of friends, break up and new relationships, and consistent concern as to how these catastrophes effect my daughter (who is now 2 and a half years old!)


After moving out of a family friend's home (who helped me out from when I was pregnant) and onto my own again (This time with a child) things started out pretty smoothly.


I cooked, I cleaned, I was there for my daughter when she needed me, and she in return provided me with a love that can never be replicated in any way.

Unfortunately things took a turn for the worst when the father of my child (who was estranged at the time) relapsed and had another psychotic episode. I had NO choice but to end the relationship with the man I loved without leaving the door open for him to come back. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make, and when I looked into his eyes I couldn't help but cry knowing that I loved him dearly but also knowing that in order for my daughter and I to experience life to its fullest, we had to keep our distance from him.

I felt feelings of anger, resentment, frustration, confusion, sadness, and hopelessness...I thought having a child would help  solve his problems, after all, when he became a father he was given a purpose in life he never had before.

I realize now this was very unrealistic thinking on my part, first of all, He suffers from Paranoid Scizophrenia, among other mental disorders, and he has been on and off drugs for the past 18 years. He wanted to better himself, and he wanted to be a father, but unfortunately he succumbed to illness and addiction insurmountable. Although i felt for him I also realized that his illness is in no way shape or form my fault, and my daughter and I deserve better than to experience the chaos and trauma that comes with being involved with someone who suffers from an illness that can (at times) become scary.

After the father of my child got admitted to the psych ward things began to slowly fall apart in my life (so it seemed)t, I became depressed, and slowly my standards of living (i.e. budgetting, cleaning, healthy eating, etc.) went to hell. The dishes piled up, the laundry was overwhelming, I did not feel like responding to my friends messages on facebook and struggled to take my daughter to our mom's and tots groups without having an emotional break down.

As if this doesn't sound bad enough, one thing led to another. First of all there was a HUGE mouse infestation which was humiliating and made me feel unclean. Second of all, I had difficulties dealing with someone who had feelings towards me which were not reciprocal, third, i had a falling out with the family friend I'd previously been living with.


Then, come Summer, I began dating a new guy and things seemed to go very smoothly at the start (although looking back now, i do agree that i moved a bit fast). What made things difficult at the beginning was the simple fact that my Dad did NOT (and still doesnt as of this day) approve of the relationship. I felt torn, i felt like I had to choose between my father and the Man I fell in love with which felt like an unbeatable task.


Slowly and surely people began to become more involved  in my personal lives, Since I live in an "independent homeshare" MCFD was called with concerns about my parenting and I endured what seemed like harassment for not cleaning my house up to an unattainable standard at the time of my depression. I was told there was going to be a "home inspection" and the place was to look "sterile" for this event to occur. The problem is, the inspection never happened. I was stressed and anxious to the point of tears for 2 weeks leading up to the date and the event was cancelled not once but TWICE! I felt a lot of resentment towards CLBC and Kindale Staff.I wanted people to get off my case!!!

To make my living situation even more uncomfortable I was told that my boyfriend was no longer allowed overnight visits, and was afterwards told he was altogether banned from the house.

When Fall hit, my best friend since childhood moved to Toronto. I never knew how it would feel to suddenly loose that person I could go to in my time of need, that friend who saw me at my ABSOLUTE WORST when I'd Hit ROCK bottom and still loved me. A friend who loved me unconditionally.

To sum up what seems like a hell of a year, I experienced a few nervous break downs and psychotic episodes resulting loss of friends, and no longer being able to visit my boyfriend at his house...


Just the other day, I was thinking about all that has happened over the last year, and kept contemplating "what's next." and "why me" It seems like no matter how hard I try, |I always fail. I look at other people's lives with jelousy, and resentment. It seemed I tried even HARDER then the average person. People who had less education then me were working steady jobs, people who had bigger disabilities then me were able to live on their own, people of low economic class who had little self worth were given an opportunity to parent their children (or expected children) without the involvement of the ministry when I worked hard at leading a wholesome, straight and narrow lifestyle.

My mind kept repeating the cycle "why me..., why me..."

Then one day while watching a Documentary on TV about life in third world countries I realized something. I really DON"T have it that bad. Although I can actively compare myself to other people who seem to have it much easier then myself and have much more, there are also people who have much more difficult lives, and have much less than I do.

I have a beautiful daughter that is the light of my life. Not a day goes by where I'm not overwhelmed with joy when I see the big smile, and bright eyes on her adorable round face.There are many people who are unable to have children no matter how prepared they are.

I have a diploma in Human Service Work. which helps me to see the world in a different light. My ability to achieve good grades through strength and determination helped me see myself in a different light. after years of being told that I was incapable.. I truly believe a person can do anything they put there mind to.. Hopefully, one day, perhaps when I am older, I will go back to school and work on getting some more education.

But for now I realize that I need to focus on the good in my life, as opposed to the negative..

\

Grandmother

The other day I was sadly informed of my grand Mothers peaceful passing.  In my daughter's 9 months she had only visited her once. And boy, did she adore her and her smile and big blue eyes. I admit, the last few years have been a tough one for gran, her memory fading, but the last visit we had with her was so special because she was able to meet her first great grandchild.

I have many sentimental memories of my Grandma Like learning how to weave, knit, and make pottery, When I was very young we would walk along the beautiful Capilano river behind her house and I would collect pieces of moss, stones, and tree branches, and when we got back to her house she would get me a glue stick and help me create beautiful pictures.

Other great memories with her include going clothes shopping (she was very into fashion) browsing vintage stores, going to museums, art galleries The Vancouver Aquarium, the Chinese Gardens and when I was very little she would let me play with her MASSIVE collection of Asian dolls. Even in the last few years of her life while she struggled with dementia, she had an amazing artistic side.


We would go on little walks where we would feed the birds and despite living in a big city, Capilano was such a beutiful clean forested area, with beautiful trees, and lots of forestation



We enjoyed a close relationship with our grandparents. This is something I would really like my daughter to have with all of her grandparents. But I have already received comments that no one is sure if I'll let her spend any extended time without me. weekend she will be spending time with her Grandma and Grandpa while I have dental surgery . I know she will have a blast. But it will be a nerve wracking first for me. Hmmm, I definitely have a problem.

I treasure my little girl very much. I want to be there for all of her victorious firsts. I want her to know that I am genuinely interested and that I care. Time is flying by and I want to hold on to any moment that I can get. I know I will have trouble eventually letting her go but, in my view, that is still very far away.

In many areas of my life I have learned that insecurity or worry will impede opportunities. I don't want my longing to not miss anything to create a lack of relationship that will result in others missing out. I have tried to create the atmosphere with me present. I watched her laugh heartily for the first time with my father. I saw her very first smile when My Dad held her this Summer

More memories to be made and traditions to develop. When we go over there for dinner. Take walks downtown in the summer and meet family. Go to the beach. Maybe go on trips together. I'll tell her about my Cruises with my Gran and Grandpa.

And just maybe, maybe, my little girl will go on a Cruise with her grandparents without me.

Getting rid of junk

OK, So for some reason today I had an uncontrollable urge to organize and clean things, and it is VERY difficult for me living with someone else, living with their idea of how things should be organized when I have my own idea of how I like things organized. Eventually, I realize, I WILL be in my own space again, So I am trying to decide right now how I would want it to look.

Over the years I have had the habit of hoarding every single thing that ever had any significant value to me, even if it was no longer useful, and purchasing items that I had little use for, or that didnt actually mean much to me, that MIGHT come in useful.

Sometimes something, such as my daughters bassinet from when she was a newborn, I think will become handy in the future. Perhaps I will have more children.

On the other hand, it may be a long time before I have more children (If I have children at all that is) and by then, the crib will probably be out dated.

There are many things I have held onto over the years thinking that they will serve me some use, when in fact they do little more than take up space. I have never sewed an outfit together in my life, yet there are two sewing machines in my closet.

I have many informational books that are dated in their information, and no longer useful, but I like to look at them in nestalgia.

I still cling onto CDs, DVDs and VHS even though I can look up just about anything on the internet with the click of a buton.

To get to things I DO need to use, I have to push things I am not using out of the way, which takes up time in my day, and causes turmoil in my life.

I would like to turn over a new life, not only for myself, but for my daughter as well.

Children accumulate a lot of items during their first few years, it is inevitable, and the last thing she needs is a Mother who has clutter in every nook and cranny.

Although I might never be a minimalist I would like to be free, able easily move from one place to the next, able to dance around without worrying about knocking over ornaments.

It is a struggle, but it is something I am working on.

One thing I like is knowing that there are charitable organizations that will donate what I DONT need to people who might find it useful.

Be happy

I can start by saying that I would not be posting this without some inspiration from my lovely 8 month old daughter, who is the light of my life.

Whenever we go somewhere, people are fascinated with how happy and bright eyes my daughter always is, she rarely cries (unless there is a good reason, like her teeth are hurting her) and often has a huge smile on her face. Sometimes her smile looks downright silly, I look at her and think Why are you so happy...

Sometimes I will be having a stressful day and when I look over she will shoot me a huge mouth to mouth smile, it is enough to make a person cry.

No matter what the circumstance, she sees happiness in everything. Why couldnt I be more like this.

Sometimes the things that bother me, or that ruin my day are downright silly, like a long line up when I am shopping, or losing something that seems much more important than it really is. Often one scenario will piggy back on to the next and result in a downright bitch-fest.

Sometimes the people in our lives effect our mood. When I am around happy, upbeat, positive people such as my daughter I feel much happier than when I am around miserable depressed people who feel sorry for themselves.

Once a good friend told me that when something happens to us, we can choose how we retaliate. An example is when a loved one does us wrong. We can choose to be upset, or we can choose to take the high road, and take it with a grain of salt.

When I look at my life, there is a lot of changes I would like to make, my job, my living situation, the list goes on and on.

But I can choose to be happy right now, with where I am at in life right now, or let the Not so positive things get me down.

Right now, looking down at my daughter who is playing with puzzle pieces I am going to try and remain happy.

What a day

If this day were a fish, I would throw it back...

My boss used to say to me, and that is how I would describe today (other than it ended all well), It just seemed to be ones of those days where you end up asking yourself what could possibly go wrong next...if there is anything left to go wrong that is.

At 5:00 PM my father came over for a quick visit and the power went out completely. It was so dark out I couldnt even see my daughter (who was on my lap) Luckily she remained calm while my room mate went to find a candle...

Things got better when I discovered a flash light in my bedroom, and so I killed time by calling a friend, but then things went down hill again when the house alarm went off with an ear-wrenching sound and my room mate fell off a stool trying to fix it.

One things for sure, everyone is safe, and everything ended well. I now know to keep stalked up on flashlights from now on. 

A very belated new years...looking back at 2014

Hi everyone,

as you know I am not a frequent blogger, nor do I plan on being one anytime soon. I will however try to post a few times a month if I can get around to it.

The past few years have been a whirlwind of life changing events, some for the better, and some for the worst. 2014 is definitely one of my most memorable years.

I never knew what love was till I first held the bundle of joy handed over to me on May 5, at 5:45, a healthy, robust, little girl with lots of black hair, tanned skin, and beaming blue eyes. I remember crying with her when the nurses placed her on my chest (in the operating room). It was as if we were being reunited.

I had a very strange and somewhat stressful pregnancy, not telling anyone until the last minute out of fear of judgement. Looking back I wish I hadn't been so hard on myself and everyone around me. Most people (including the ones I thought would never speak to me again) were extremely supportive and happy for me. I began feeling small movements soon after I found out I was pregnant, and then the kicking started in January. Sometimes I would forget I was pregnant altogether and lie down on my stomach and Faith would kick from the inside, as if to say "Hey...don't forget about me...Get off of me!"

Sometimes when I would listen to music I swear she would dance along because my stomach would be moving in time to the beat of the music.

I ended up leaving my part time job at Tim Horton's in March because my feet were starting to get swollen, although I missed the donuts and chili.  Overall my experience from Tim Horton's (short lived as it was) was pretty good, and I particularly liked working at the sister Tim Horton's down town and getting to chat with customers.

I actually stayed pretty active during my pregnancy, going to the gym and using the cross trainer a few times a week, and going for power walks through the neighborhoods, which definitely helped in the long run. The last month of my pregnancy however, was painful because the way my daughter was positioned in my stomach was so that her legs were almost straight up into my ribs. I had figured I would give birth some time in April but it ended up being early May.

In the midst of being pregnant I STILL managed to finish most of my schooling (except for the practicum) as well as work part time (until the 7th month) which I am very proud of myself for managing to do. One difficult thing was not being able to take my anti-depressants. I kept very focused, busy and managed to do fine without them. I wish I had been more social with my peers (going off my medication hampers that) but I am sure they understand given the stress I was under.

Since Faith was born in the spring, I was able to take her out on walks, and also took her to the Blind Bay Centennial, the shuswap boat show, the fall fair (later in the summer), the Carlin festival, the market, Haney House, as well as an amazing Halloween party at the Movie theater, a few awesome Christmas parties (she was a super popular baby) and an amazing trip to Vancouver with her grandparents.

I can't believe that in just a few months Faith will officially be a year old! Where did time go?! One thing is for sure the next year will be very exciting with toddler hood ahead!

An adorable addition to our family Christmas

Christmas is always a very exciting time (albeit stressful) because I get to spend Christmas eve with my cousins, aunt and uncle from my father's side of the family whom I don't get to see very often (mostly just at Christmas)

One great thing about bringing my daughter to the Christmas get together this year is that she is almost 8 months old, so she can now enjoy ALL of her senses. And what enjoyment she had! She squealed with delight at the dinner table, watched all the Christmas lights inquisitively, was fascinated when we walked her down the street (being in the big city is very new and exciting when you live in a small town) and enjoyed yams, mashed potatoes and applesauce. She even enjoyed Dad's frantic driving around trying to find places to park.

The best part of the whole experience this Christmas was watching my daugther bond with the entire family: to watch her cautiously approach her aunt and uncle over and over again, to see her bounce up and down on my one cousin's lap, to see her in the arms of her great grandmother who was thrilled (although her cognitive health is declining she managed to understand that she was meeting her great granddaughter for the very first time.) And to bond further with her grandma.

She also managed to (begin) opening one of several beautiful Christmas presents, and tear the bow off of great grandma's present.

Of course the trip was a great enjoyment for me as well. We stayed at a 5 star hotel with an amazing view (24 stories above ground level) and beautiful architecture.

The weather happens to be beautiful (EXTREMELY warm compared to what I am used to) so tomorrow we hope to do some shopping with the Christmas money I received and enjoy a walk near the beach.

Family memories in the making. And more to come. More hugs. More laughs. More delicious sweet potatoes.