The choice Im glad I didnt have...

I am not going to discuss, whether or not I am pro life...that is completely besides the point, and is a personal opinion I am not going to get into. But I definitely regret the choice that I MIGHT have made in 2013 had I found out sooner...

2013 was one of the hardest years, I had lost my Mom the year before, and went through months of hell when my childs father relapsed. Emotionally and physically I was drained, I felt hopeless, and at times self destructive.

I started to feel run down and lethargic, and was gaining weight. I had a few signs of pregnancy, but not many. Faiths father and I discussed that I might possibly be pregnant, and agreed on terminating the pregnancy, and moving on with our lives. I was busy with school, and he was not ready to be a father.

I went to the drugstore and purchased a pregnancy test. The results were negative, so I forgot about the whole situation. I wanted to see my doctor however, to find out why I was feeling so physically and mentally unwell.

In December I finally went to the doctor to discuss a possible thyroid condition. No matter how little and how healthy I ate, and how much I exercised, I was gaining weight. I had recently lost 30 pounds, and was starting to gain the weight back rapidly. I had gained fifteen pounds almost overnight! I told the doctor about my symptoms but assured her I wasnt pregnant because the tests were all negative. She said she wanted to feel my stomache just to be sure, and I told her I would not carry on with the pregnancy. I live in a small town so this meant that I would have to take some time out of my busy schedule to go to the nearest city where abortions were performed. She felt my stomache and told me

Youre halfway there...

I suddenly felt my heart racing, and almost colapsed right there on the table. How could I be amost 5 months pregnant, I had barely any tummy at all! I phoned my boyfriend and he was shocked and angry with me for not going to the doctor sooner, I felt panicked, how could I afford to take care of a child when I could barely afford to take care of myself. Also, I had been drinking, taking medication, and been doing lots of things that could effect the baby...I feared for the worst. Perhaps adoption would be another route I could take...over the next few months I thought about it and for some reason felt the urge to keep my baby.

Fast forward almost a year later every night I thank God for making things happen like they had. I have a beautiful, happy, healthy daughter that I love to death, and my life is better than I could have ever imagined. I dont need to worry about providing for her, because everything has fallen into place. I cry sometimes when I imagine what MIGHT have happened, but I know I must let go of the past in order to move on with the future.

pinterest is more than interesting

Pinterest. What a novel idea. It makes it so elementary to share what we admire or treasure or appreciate. The absolute epitome of the access to information in the 21st century. For those who haven't tried it, Pinterest is basically "pinning" things you are "interested" in online onto a board, like a recipe board or a birthday party planning board. 

For many it is a way to dream. Their future wedding or perfect vacation or longed-for home. For some it is a way to procrastinate. To stay up late looking at charming things or prolong the "just a minute" into "oh, my, I really should be doing something else". For others it is a catalyst for getting new, expanded modes of doing things. Maybe because they long to be more of a creative person or more of a perfectionist. The model parent or best wife. Maybe they are looking for ingenious ways to save time or money. Perhaps both. 

After seeing some resourceful ideas shared on Facebook, I decided to give it a boo. Here was an endless selection of user approved pages that were easy to navigate. It led to site after site of children's activities. Motivational quotes. Decorating hints. Healthy lifestyle suggestions. Holiday and party planning. And recipes, recipes, recipes.

I filed away so many new baking and dinner ideas. As well as other pins that gave suggestions on how to modify recipes so that I would appreciate them even more. I now frequently make Slow Cooker Salsa Chicken (modified from another Pinterest post to have nothing canned), Banana Pancakes  and Homemade Taco Seasoning without the chemicals and salt. I have successfully tried Quinoa Mac and Cheese, Breakfast Ham Cups, Peanut Butter and Banana Bites, and Crockpot Beef Stroganoff. I have learned the best way to cut up a watermelonand how to cook an egg in a sliced pepper. The list goes on. In checking out my "Food" board I see so many more food blogs that I endeavour to test. Now I am hungry. But really, when am I not hungry?

Pinterest has been a hugely beneficial agglomeration for this girl who loves to eat healthy and cook a variety of tastes, but isn't the best at following recipes. I need to be able to easily go through many suggestions.

It has also made planning inspiring activities for my girl quite exciting. I have made a sticky spider web out of painter's tape. goop made out of cornstarch, which was strange as it was neither solid nor liquid! We have explored sensory play of all kinds and made umpteen messes with many more to come. And I have enumerable other crafts and adventures to test with my little scientist. Soon her attention span will improve and I will be able to up the level of activities. So many possibilities for play with components we already have in the home.

I would say this sharing of information has made it a stimulating era to grow up in! And an ingenious time to be a mother. I am grateful for my ability to use a computer, as I know that not everyone has the convenience. What a big, fascinating world compared to what was available during my childhood!

Now, to get some sleep or I'll never have the endurance or patience to follow through with more Pinterest discoveries. 

SADs hurts.

This is the time of year when my SAD starts kicking in. Its when I have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning (or getting up at all for that matter) and when I feel less motivated to do anything except for eat and use the computer.

I have suffered from SAD as long as I can remember, each time Spring arrives I feel motivated, excited and full of energy, then when the days start getting shorter, I feel depressed, and hopeless.

This year is no exception. I didnt think the Winter blues would hit but they have. I am doing my best to keep my sanity though, of course caring for a baby helps keep me happy, especially when she is so giggly and happy all the time. But even with Faith, I am feeling down. Getting out of the house is especially important during these times, as is physical activity and socializing (I tend to isolate myself during the Winter.)

I tend to be a little happier once Christmas arrives, and everything is more bright and cheerful, and the snow helps as it tends to reflect the sunlight (and make it difficult to go anywhere if you live where I do.) but October and November, and January tend to be difficult months for me.

I will take each day as it comes, and try my best not to let my depression get the best of me. I have a beautiful being to take care of, and keep me on my toes, as well as some good friends and family to depend on, and activities including Martial arts to keep me going. I know this Winter wont be as difficult as the last one and I am trying to keep cheerful despite feeling blah.

I will show you

I Will Show You

I will love the days that sprinkle down with rain.
Are powerfully blustery.
Blare with warm sunlight.
Chill right down to the bone.
Present new growth.
Become laden with thick fog.
I will love the days as they are presented to me because I cannot change them.
I will show you I love living so you can learn to love life.

I will love my family when they bring me laughter.
Frustrate me with broken promises.
Fill me with glowing pride.
Anger me with annoying habits.
Create cherished memories.
Confuse with their deep insecurities.
I will love my family because they will always be connected to me.
I will show you I love family so you can learn to love family.

I will love myself when I feel confident.
Become slightly overwhelmed.
Appreciate my strengths.
Know I need to step up.
Am aware I have adequate support.
Hate how I look.
I will love myself because I will always have to deal with myself.
I will show you I love myself so you can learn to love yourself.

I will work hard when I enjoy what I am doing.
Feel too tired to press on.
Receive instant gratification.
Long for appreciation.
Know I am doing well.
Remain underpaid.
I will work hard because I am working for God and not man.
I will show you how to work hard so that you can learn to work hard.

I will eat well when I keep very busy.
Fell too lazy.
Require replenishing nourishment.
Have overpowering cravings.
Hang with friends.
Need to soothe myself.
I will eat well because what I consume nourishes my body.
I will show you how to eat well so that you can learn to eat well.

I will be patient when everything falls into place.
I am going to be late.
Things unexpectedly happen.
I feel exhausted.
Distractions are overwhelming.
Misunderstandings occur.
I will be patient because my impatience will only hinder relationships and productivity.
I will show you how to be patient so that you can learn to be patient.

I will listen to my body when it appreciates my activities.
Warns me it needs to be strengthened.
Enjoys an undertaking.
Requires extra attention.
Hints to me something isn't right.
I will listen to my body because it is the only one I have.
I will show you how I listen to my body so you can learn to listen to your body.

I will spend my money wisely when I come up with a little extra.
Have a pressing need.
Want to carelessly splurge.
Don't desire to care.
Have the opportunity to be generous.
Must pay for repairs.
I will spend my money wisely because I want to plant seeds that will grow and prosper.
I will show you how to spend wisely so you can learn to spend wisely.

I will pray when I appreciate my countless blessings.
Feel defeated.
Think of others around me.
Need a fresh breakthrough.
Admire creation with awestruck wonder.
Run short on direction.
I will pray because I need to be in touch with the spirit.
I will show you how I pray so that you can learn to pray.

I will forgive myself when I don't appreciate my day.
Fail to show love to my family.
Choose not to love myself.
Decide not to work hard.
Regret not eating well.
Lack patience.
Don't listen to my body.
Flounder at spending wisely.
Forget to pray.
I will forgive myself because I am human.
I will show you how I can forgive so that you will know the freedom of forgiveness. 

need sleep

Ever have one of those days where you cant rest, yet you are so tired that you struggle to do the most basic of day to day tasks such as making yourself a meal, putting away the groceries, making the bed (not that I ever do that) etc.

Today is one of those days for me...Im not sure if it was thanks to the large MacDonald coffee or the A and W bacon and eggs I regrettably ate this morning or if its directly related to my frequent internet browsing sessions at night (after my 5 month old daughter has gone to sleep). Either way I am too tired to even think properly.

This morning I was a bundle of energy, running around doing errans, and then all of a sudden I had an extreme drop in energy, right now my daughter is begging me to take her for a walk and I dont know if I will do it or not, although it would certainly make me feel better.

Today is the type of day where in the past I would have ordered a pizza or other unhealthy meal of choice (the more tired I am the more junk I crave) followed by a packaged treat, which I would then eat in my bed, falling asleep face first in the food before I could even finish...That is simply not an option now, not with a little bundle of energy sleeping right next to me, and the fact that I cannot afford take out at this very moment (technically I could, but spending money on a crappy pizza is NOT money well spent)

I have always struggled with sleep, often resorting to supplements to help me get through the night, and in the past, sleeping pills (which caused me to be so drowsy I would sleep in till the afternoon, and be tired the entire rest of the day) Now I resort to more holistic methods, such as a cup of chamomile tea, lavender essential oils, a warm bath and yoga...sometimes it helps sometimes it doesnt.

Now I am heading to the kitchen to get myself some energy...